Cake pictures

Well, Logan didn't actually eat any of his cake but he did lick it once and then play in it. So that will work for me! He did eat some noodles and alfredo sauce though. It was probably the most solids he's ever eaten.

A year of our squishy bear!

February 23, 2008, 9:26 am

March 2008

April 2008

May 2008June 2008

July 2008August 2008September 2008October 2008November 2008December 2008
January 2009February 23, 2009, 9:26 am

Happy 1st Birthday Logey Bear!

You made it! I wasn't sure you would ever see this day. And now you have. You are an amazing kiddo and I have no doubt that you have many great things in store for you. The smile on your face makes every tough thing we've been through worth it. I already see your funny personality coming through. I'm sure one day soon you will be making us all laugh with your sense of humor. If I could I would take away all the pain and things you've gone through but then, you wouldn't be you. You've seen so much in you first year of life. You have been an absolute blessing. Your upbeat personality never fails to bring a smile to my face. You light up the room with your smile. By this time next year, you should have your new kidney. I pray that you have no complications and that you remain your happy little self.

Logan lab update

Well, Logan's labs didn't look wonderful this week. His phosphorous was high so we're increasing his calcium carbonate, that one's not really a big deal. His potassium was in normal range so that's awesome. But, his BUN is even higher than normal. It's probably why he's been feeling so crummy lately. We were told now to decrease his pediasure intake to 2 cans from 3. This is a problem because I'm back to needing to give him about half pediasure to half breastmilk and my supply is down low because I felt like it was better for him to gain weight. But, his body can't handle the increased protein. We can't raise his fill volume to give him more adequate dialysis because of his hernia which will be repaired the 4th. And he's really at the maximum hours of dialysis that they're willing to go. So, we're kind of at a crossroads that is blocked here. I feel a bit helpless. I know that God will provide for him and I don't have that same depressed outlook that I have recently but I have a sinking feeling that all of this is going to get worse before it gets better.

Sleep......where are you?

For the second night this week, I can't sleep. I went to sleep around 1 (early for me lately) but was awoken by Jaden having peed in his bed and needing clean sheets. I changed his bed and got him all set up again for sleep, went to the bathroom, and guess what? I can't sleep. Darn it. I'm going to try to take Logey to Gymboree tomorrow since he loves it now. But, Vidal needs to fix his car so we'll see how it goes. I also really want to go to the Bible study tomorrow but I know I'm already behind. There is homework. I wasn't able to go last week because I thought it didn't start until this week and then it turned out it did and Logan and I had already gotten home. Lately I've been trying to get him into a routine of being on his feeding tube while he naps and all night so the food goes down easier and he isn't tethered all day. So, we'll see. Honestly, I would love to go and only participate to the extent of listening to all these wise women. Sometimes I feel so inept. It's like my brain quit on me. Sometimes lately I also feel so down and I'm not sure quite how to get "out of it." I don't let it affect me in the sense that I still do stuff with my little people, etc. but sometimes I know that my attitude is not wonderful. I wish I was one of those graceful women who didn't get upset about their child being sick. Honestly sometimes it pisses me off. Because it's just not fair. Logan is the sweetest most upbeat kid and he amazes me. Logan has his last sweat test coming up soon. I don't need prayers that he doesn't have cystic fibrosis, just prayers that I can get through it if he does. I know I should just be greatful that he is alive and here with us because 11 months ago it was a very real possibility that he wouldn't be. But, cystic fibrosis on top of everything else he has to go through right now. Seriously? It's not exactly that I'm upset with God. But I feel like I'm saying, "you say you won't give us more than we can handle. well, I'm good, thanks. Pass it around a little." Not that I would want anyone else's child to be sick. I wouldn't wish any of this on anone, ever, no matter how snarky that girl at the WIC office was to me today. I was reading an old blog from a woman whose son also has ESRD, he is a year post transplant, and she was saying that this changes you. And it's completely true. It does. You never feel like you will be that person whose kid gets sick and at first when your kid is chronically ill, you don't even really believe it, you do to a certain extent but on another level you really don't. Especially when your kiddo looks healthy. The girl who bagged our groceries the other day noticed Logan had a runny nose. He had been crying for a minute because he wanted out of the cart. She asked me if he was sick. I was like, well, that depends......... Because in some ways he's not sick at all and in others he really is so fragile. Looking at his lab numbers lately make my heart miss a beat because I know despite how great he looks, he's getting worse. I asked Dr Al-Akash what we could do to make him less nauseated and he said, "Get him a kidney." Now when I got home I was almost irritated that he couldn't do anything. Then I realized, he's right. He loves Logan. Dr Al-Akash seems to genuinely love his patients and I think that if he could make him well, he would. I feel very helpless sometimes because I can't make him better. I wonder if he feels that way for his patients. Through all of this, I know that we really are truly blessed. We have a staff at the nephrologist's that really seems to care about their patients. When I call to talk to his nurse Julie she either talks to me right then or she will call me back within a few hours. I know this is probably not the norm. But, The Kidney Center takes their patients very seriously and they really seem to love them. I doubt that other centers give their kids such time. It's definitely worth the 3 hr drive. It honestly makes all of this so much easier. I think if I had to deal with nurses and drs or even office staff that I wasn't so fond of it would make this all much harder. And really, parents with chronically ill children have enough to deal with. Sometimes when people make my life harder like the lady at WIC today I want to tell them, if you knew how hard things were right now you wouldn't act like that. It's not that I want any special treatment, just to be treated respectfully and kindly. Is that really too much to ask? I think everyone should be treated that way but especially people who have extra on their plates right now. But, then, who doesn't have extra on their plates? Logan has an appt on the 18th for lab and iron and possibly the sweat test and then clinic on the third of March, surgery on the fourth of March, and we'll stay overnight to be sure dialysis runs smoothly. Honestly I'm more worried about the sweat test and Dr Almond checking for the right vas deferens at this point. The surgery itself is pretty uncomplicated, he's had much worse. Though when your baby is under the darn clock never seems to move no matter how uncomplicated the surgery. I wish I could just tell whether or not he has cystic fibrosis but now that we're here and it's time to test, part of me doesn't want to. Part of me would like to remain in the dark. It's easier in the dark sometimes. It won't change anything right now if he does have it, just add to my worry. The very real possibility of having to bury your child is a very scary one. It's not something that you can gloss over and make pretty. It changes you. I know that everyone has that possibility but knowing an accident could happen is so much more different than knowing how sick your child is. I feel for every mama who has gone through or is going through that feeling. Sometimes it's better not to think. Unfortunately I was born with an inability to shut my brain off. I swear if I wasn't still nursing Logan I would be addicted to sleeping pills. Well, I guess I should attempt sleep if only to cuddle up next to two of my favorite people. I know one day all too soon I will miss those baby snuggles and his little soft wisps of curl. I know soon he will be a big rough and tumble boy. Someday this will all just feel like a small time in our lives. Maybe even someday soon. Little bear was 18 lbs 9 oz this morning (and night). That's 8.43 kg. It looks like he just might make my goal of 8.5 kilos by his birthday. We now have only a tiny bit over 1 1/2 kg to go. I can't say that I will miss the dialysis machine. Though I am greatful for it. Someday this will all feel like just a dream.

Not me Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.


I was looking on Grace's blog and found her Not me monday! post and decided I wanted to participate.

Not me! This week I did not let my kids eat frozen pizza 3 times this week just because it was easy. I would never do a thing like that! It would be far too unhealthy. I definitely did not flirt with the guy at the grocery store with my kids in the cart. I did not forget one dose of my little guy's medicine. I am a responsible mother and caregiver. I did not feed my children dinner at 10 pm today. I have it together! I am definitely not letting my almost one year old sleep in his highchair so that I can finish typing this post!

One more

Before I head to bed. I never did get a chance to post pictures of when my brother came to visit. He lives in Oklahoma and we only see him once every 2-3 years. I've really got to change that. He is an awesome man. I am proud to call him my brother. Though, I guess I would be proud of him no matter what. He is considering finishing his education (to be a physician's asst.) in the Valley or possibly San Antonio or I don't remember which far off state. So, hopefully he will choose here or San Antonio. I would love to be able to spend more time with him and the little boys would love to have their uncle around. His grandparents also live in the area so that would be a plus for him too. Plus his girlfriend said she wouldn't visit him in the far off state because it was too cold. : ) She sounds like an awesome person and I can't wait to meet her!

Cute little fella!

Or so Cristian says anyway. I took a ton of pictures today since Logey was in a great mood. Towards the end he was ready for a nap but I think they came out pretty cute anyway. I am out of the sad mood I was in for quite a while and I'm trying to embrace our new life. It has definitely not been easy. Part of me was just so pissed for a while that my little guy has to go through so much. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes. And really, it's not. But, life isn't fair. And he's still the cutest baby on the block and so I have to be thankful that even though he goes through so much pain he still manages to keep a smile on his face. He is an inspiration to me. I forgot to add that little man was 8.3 kg this morning. That's only 1.7 to go! (18 lbs 4 oz.)

Sweet baby grins.

He has all 4 top teeth coming in.

The dirt on the table was VERY interesting. I love this picture though. To me it represents his ever inquisite self. I love to watch him see new things.

I think this is going to be the picture that I put on some cards for people at the church. For Logan's Baptism I printed out pictures for everyone and many people have told me that every time they look at his picture they say a prayer for him. So, obviously that's working well. I need to give them an updated picture and I think this is it.

A day outside

Our garden is really coming along and since the weather has been so nice we've actually wanted to work in it. I think our seedlings will go in the ground next Sunday. I'm not looking forward to summer when it will be more like a chore to be outside. But, maybe we can do it in the evening. It won't feel as if Vidal is getting home so late by then since when he gets out at 8 it is night time already.

Jaden tilling. That's his version of "cheese" these days.

Logey in his swing. Luckily he'll sit in there for quite a while as long as Cristian keeps pushing him.

All 3 Ninos playing at the sand table. Well, 2 of them are in the sand table.

What's this weird stuff on my hand mom?

His recent favorite napping spot. Notice the sheet draped to keep him from getting too much sun. No baby tans for us.

Garden pics

We've been making a garden so I'll try to keep the blog updated. It's turning out pretty well but our yard looks ghetto-y at the moment. Hopefully once we get some grass and Vidal mows it will look better. Here are the pics of our progress so far.

our strawberry plant

Two tomato plants and Jaden digging in the garden

the corner when we first started.

cleared outwith the start of our fence (we have to fence it so the doggies won't dig in the yard)--the fence is all put up now but I forgot to take pics of it today. Vidal is tilling it out and he started making rows.

Our garden

We finally started a garden. We've been meaning to start one for years but I decided this year I was just going to start on it and I knew Vidal would join in. Here's a pic of Logey while we were planting our seeds into their starter kit. Actually the pic is last night of him getting the toilet paper all around him. Nutty kid. I'll add more later. I need to download off my camera but it takes forever so I've just been putting it off.

8 is great!

Cristian is officially 8, well, as of 2 days ago. His birthday party was Saturday after the game. Most of the kiddos from basketball went and Vidal's dad and family and my mom and grandmother came. It was a nice, small birthday and so much less stressful than some of his other parties. The moms of the kiddos from basketball are all SOOOOO nice. It's a really great group this year. His birthday was Monday and we took him out to lunch. Honestly, I felt rather bad for him because his daddy worked all day and just got back right before bed time. Logey had to go on his machine early because we were going to Corpus the next day. His present that i ordered didn't get here in time. I think it just felt like any other day to him. We also had to get Logey's blood work done that day. I think when his present comes in the mail I will go get him some sushi and make him a cake and we can relive his 8th birthday. As an adult we're used to our birthdays being just any other day but for a kiddo that's not fun.

piece of cake on his actual birthday.

some of the kiddos at his partyhis Pokemon birthday cakeone of the gifts from his friend Bryce.

Ack, this pic is sideways, Oh well.

One of those good mama days

Today I feel like I had a good mama day. I fed the kids lunch, took my dad my old phone that he wanted to give my dad's boss's son, and then took the little people to the park. They had a really good time. We went last Monday too. Then we came home and got them in the tub and Logey on his feeding tube since he's decided again that eating is for the birds. I even pumped a few times in there again since he is too cool to eat with his mouth. I made dinner and did ALL of my dishes. Even the ones I was hiding in the dishwasher. I feel very accomplished today. I even put up like 1/12 of the clothes I need to fold and put away. Baby steps, right? One day I hope to grow up and be a real mom that his is all together. The weather has been awesome lately! We've been in the 70s-80s with a nice breeze. All of this nice weather makes me want to get started on a garden. i'm sure I'll love it and enjoy it until it's summer and too darn hot to be outside. I also took Logey to his first solo Gymboree class last week. He loved it! I'm hoping I can start taking him every week if his health stays well. Next week I'm starting to go to a Bible study hosted by one of the mamas from HOPE and I'm really excited about it. I've been feeling like I need some ME time so hopefully this will help. We are also starting co-op soon so that should be fun. I'm looking forward to it too. I like being out and about--most of the time anyway. I'm just hoping Logan doesn't give us any surprises in there. Tomorrow we have an appt with Social Security to review his case. That's kind of terrifying. Before I had Logan I always wondered why they would give you Social Security for a child who obviously wasn't working before. How terribly judgemental of me! Now I get it. Well, I'm off to go do more grown up things like MORE laundry. But, on the good hand, I can the Bachelor while i do it. Jason makes folding laundry SOOOOO much more exciting! Here's a pic of Logan enjoying our day at the park.

11 months old!

Chance meeting?

A few minutes ago I went to answer my door after 2 rings. I was thinking it was probably our mailman. So I took Logan to the door since he had been nursing and answered it and saw a new mail lady bringing our packages. (Thanks Regina! Logey loves his pacis and wow at the amount of books!) Well she says, "Oh, are you trading me that beautiful baby for your packages?" And I told her, "well I would but he's a lot of work." And she said, "oh, I can handle anything, I have a 12 year old." And I said, "well, he's a sweetie, but, he's on dialysis." And she said, "Why is that sweet baby on dialysis?" Anyway, so the conversation goes on and on and apparently her mother had diabetes and was on peritoneal dialysis and died of an infection of her catheter. She said, "Too bad my kidney's too big our I would give you one." And I said, "Well actually when he gets a kidney at 10 kg, they'll be giving him an adult kidney." She said, "well let me know, I would love to give him one." And I told her he was A+. She said she was O+ and so would likely be a match. Get this, her name is Lilli. If we ever have a girl our plan was to name her Lily after my grandma. I was talking to Marilee and didn't get the significance until she said, what was her name again? I literally got chills.

Splish, Splash

We're having fun in the bath! Logey got the okay to take baths so long as his catheter is never submerged and it's only on days we have to change it anyway (3 times a week). So, he took a bath and then followed that by a shower and had SOOOOOO much fun! He wasn't scared or anything. Maybe it's because he was born in the water. Who knows? Anyway, here's a pic. I can't believe he's almost 11 months old. This year has gone by crazy fast. He is now at almost 17 lbs. My goal for him is 18 1/2 lbs by his first birthday which is 5 weeks away (?!?!?!?!) so he had best get to eating. He's now over whatever little tummy bug rocked our boat eating like crazy and not puking so hopefully he can make my goal. Come on 22 lbs!