Don't do it!

You have so much to live for!


Disclaimer: For all kidney related people, the potato was taken away from child about 1.2 seconds after this shot was taken and any potato in mouth was rinsed out.

YUMMMM!!!!!

Last week we joined an organic veggie co-op. So now every week we will have a box full of organic yummy veggies. They taste so much better than the store bought stuff. A family runs it as their means of support so it's awesome to be able to help out of local family and get yummy veggies. It's $20 a week but since we get so much stuff we're splitting our box with my parents so it's only $10. I measured out our cherry tomatoes and there were 4 PINTS! That's a lot of tomatoes. I figured for one pint of regular non-organic cherry tomatoes right now it costs $3.99. So basically we're paying for tomatoes, LOL. We also got a big bag of spinach and a bag of mixed baby greens and carrots and beets and swiss chard and a bunch of basil. Last week we got baby snap peas, they wer so good. Oh, they also have organic eggs you can buy. Hehehe...I can actually see the chickens I'm getting my eggs from. Love it! Cristian was so interested in the different colors of the eggs. He thought it was so neat. He had never realized that eggs come in so many different colors, he just knew brown and white. Our eggs this week were so cool colored. We had a blueish one and a purpleish one and a bunch of brown ones.

our pretty, pretty veggies. some of which went in soup tonight.

and our pretty eggs, see the blue one? don't pay attention to the organic eggs thing, they are organic but fresh. we recycle our egg holder.

sad : (

I follow several blogs of moms whose babies are on dialysis or have been transplanted. One of the babies I check in on is very sick right now. His potassium shot up and he went into cardiac arrest. He had brain trauma also. I am so very sad for his family. : ( I am also very scared for Logan as it reminds me how fragile these little guys really are. And how they can be just fine one minute and horribly ill the other. Anyway, just wanted to add this here so people would know to think good thoughts and say prayers for their family and baby Aidan.

http://aidansfight.livejournal.com/8681.html

Logey--dinner

eating his noodles, want some?

helping mommy wash the dishes.

the other day on the way home from Logey's Corpus appt.Logey with daddy in his outfit his grandma sent from Dallas.

Cake pictures

Well, Logan didn't actually eat any of his cake but he did lick it once and then play in it. So that will work for me! He did eat some noodles and alfredo sauce though. It was probably the most solids he's ever eaten.

A year of our squishy bear!

February 23, 2008, 9:26 am

March 2008

April 2008

May 2008June 2008

July 2008August 2008September 2008October 2008November 2008December 2008
January 2009February 23, 2009, 9:26 am

Happy 1st Birthday Logey Bear!

You made it! I wasn't sure you would ever see this day. And now you have. You are an amazing kiddo and I have no doubt that you have many great things in store for you. The smile on your face makes every tough thing we've been through worth it. I already see your funny personality coming through. I'm sure one day soon you will be making us all laugh with your sense of humor. If I could I would take away all the pain and things you've gone through but then, you wouldn't be you. You've seen so much in you first year of life. You have been an absolute blessing. Your upbeat personality never fails to bring a smile to my face. You light up the room with your smile. By this time next year, you should have your new kidney. I pray that you have no complications and that you remain your happy little self.

Logan lab update

Well, Logan's labs didn't look wonderful this week. His phosphorous was high so we're increasing his calcium carbonate, that one's not really a big deal. His potassium was in normal range so that's awesome. But, his BUN is even higher than normal. It's probably why he's been feeling so crummy lately. We were told now to decrease his pediasure intake to 2 cans from 3. This is a problem because I'm back to needing to give him about half pediasure to half breastmilk and my supply is down low because I felt like it was better for him to gain weight. But, his body can't handle the increased protein. We can't raise his fill volume to give him more adequate dialysis because of his hernia which will be repaired the 4th. And he's really at the maximum hours of dialysis that they're willing to go. So, we're kind of at a crossroads that is blocked here. I feel a bit helpless. I know that God will provide for him and I don't have that same depressed outlook that I have recently but I have a sinking feeling that all of this is going to get worse before it gets better.

Sleep......where are you?

For the second night this week, I can't sleep. I went to sleep around 1 (early for me lately) but was awoken by Jaden having peed in his bed and needing clean sheets. I changed his bed and got him all set up again for sleep, went to the bathroom, and guess what? I can't sleep. Darn it. I'm going to try to take Logey to Gymboree tomorrow since he loves it now. But, Vidal needs to fix his car so we'll see how it goes. I also really want to go to the Bible study tomorrow but I know I'm already behind. There is homework. I wasn't able to go last week because I thought it didn't start until this week and then it turned out it did and Logan and I had already gotten home. Lately I've been trying to get him into a routine of being on his feeding tube while he naps and all night so the food goes down easier and he isn't tethered all day. So, we'll see. Honestly, I would love to go and only participate to the extent of listening to all these wise women. Sometimes I feel so inept. It's like my brain quit on me. Sometimes lately I also feel so down and I'm not sure quite how to get "out of it." I don't let it affect me in the sense that I still do stuff with my little people, etc. but sometimes I know that my attitude is not wonderful. I wish I was one of those graceful women who didn't get upset about their child being sick. Honestly sometimes it pisses me off. Because it's just not fair. Logan is the sweetest most upbeat kid and he amazes me. Logan has his last sweat test coming up soon. I don't need prayers that he doesn't have cystic fibrosis, just prayers that I can get through it if he does. I know I should just be greatful that he is alive and here with us because 11 months ago it was a very real possibility that he wouldn't be. But, cystic fibrosis on top of everything else he has to go through right now. Seriously? It's not exactly that I'm upset with God. But I feel like I'm saying, "you say you won't give us more than we can handle. well, I'm good, thanks. Pass it around a little." Not that I would want anyone else's child to be sick. I wouldn't wish any of this on anone, ever, no matter how snarky that girl at the WIC office was to me today. I was reading an old blog from a woman whose son also has ESRD, he is a year post transplant, and she was saying that this changes you. And it's completely true. It does. You never feel like you will be that person whose kid gets sick and at first when your kid is chronically ill, you don't even really believe it, you do to a certain extent but on another level you really don't. Especially when your kiddo looks healthy. The girl who bagged our groceries the other day noticed Logan had a runny nose. He had been crying for a minute because he wanted out of the cart. She asked me if he was sick. I was like, well, that depends......... Because in some ways he's not sick at all and in others he really is so fragile. Looking at his lab numbers lately make my heart miss a beat because I know despite how great he looks, he's getting worse. I asked Dr Al-Akash what we could do to make him less nauseated and he said, "Get him a kidney." Now when I got home I was almost irritated that he couldn't do anything. Then I realized, he's right. He loves Logan. Dr Al-Akash seems to genuinely love his patients and I think that if he could make him well, he would. I feel very helpless sometimes because I can't make him better. I wonder if he feels that way for his patients. Through all of this, I know that we really are truly blessed. We have a staff at the nephrologist's that really seems to care about their patients. When I call to talk to his nurse Julie she either talks to me right then or she will call me back within a few hours. I know this is probably not the norm. But, The Kidney Center takes their patients very seriously and they really seem to love them. I doubt that other centers give their kids such time. It's definitely worth the 3 hr drive. It honestly makes all of this so much easier. I think if I had to deal with nurses and drs or even office staff that I wasn't so fond of it would make this all much harder. And really, parents with chronically ill children have enough to deal with. Sometimes when people make my life harder like the lady at WIC today I want to tell them, if you knew how hard things were right now you wouldn't act like that. It's not that I want any special treatment, just to be treated respectfully and kindly. Is that really too much to ask? I think everyone should be treated that way but especially people who have extra on their plates right now. But, then, who doesn't have extra on their plates? Logan has an appt on the 18th for lab and iron and possibly the sweat test and then clinic on the third of March, surgery on the fourth of March, and we'll stay overnight to be sure dialysis runs smoothly. Honestly I'm more worried about the sweat test and Dr Almond checking for the right vas deferens at this point. The surgery itself is pretty uncomplicated, he's had much worse. Though when your baby is under the darn clock never seems to move no matter how uncomplicated the surgery. I wish I could just tell whether or not he has cystic fibrosis but now that we're here and it's time to test, part of me doesn't want to. Part of me would like to remain in the dark. It's easier in the dark sometimes. It won't change anything right now if he does have it, just add to my worry. The very real possibility of having to bury your child is a very scary one. It's not something that you can gloss over and make pretty. It changes you. I know that everyone has that possibility but knowing an accident could happen is so much more different than knowing how sick your child is. I feel for every mama who has gone through or is going through that feeling. Sometimes it's better not to think. Unfortunately I was born with an inability to shut my brain off. I swear if I wasn't still nursing Logan I would be addicted to sleeping pills. Well, I guess I should attempt sleep if only to cuddle up next to two of my favorite people. I know one day all too soon I will miss those baby snuggles and his little soft wisps of curl. I know soon he will be a big rough and tumble boy. Someday this will all just feel like a small time in our lives. Maybe even someday soon. Little bear was 18 lbs 9 oz this morning (and night). That's 8.43 kg. It looks like he just might make my goal of 8.5 kilos by his birthday. We now have only a tiny bit over 1 1/2 kg to go. I can't say that I will miss the dialysis machine. Though I am greatful for it. Someday this will all feel like just a dream.

Not me Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.


I was looking on Grace's blog and found her Not me monday! post and decided I wanted to participate.

Not me! This week I did not let my kids eat frozen pizza 3 times this week just because it was easy. I would never do a thing like that! It would be far too unhealthy. I definitely did not flirt with the guy at the grocery store with my kids in the cart. I did not forget one dose of my little guy's medicine. I am a responsible mother and caregiver. I did not feed my children dinner at 10 pm today. I have it together! I am definitely not letting my almost one year old sleep in his highchair so that I can finish typing this post!

One more

Before I head to bed. I never did get a chance to post pictures of when my brother came to visit. He lives in Oklahoma and we only see him once every 2-3 years. I've really got to change that. He is an awesome man. I am proud to call him my brother. Though, I guess I would be proud of him no matter what. He is considering finishing his education (to be a physician's asst.) in the Valley or possibly San Antonio or I don't remember which far off state. So, hopefully he will choose here or San Antonio. I would love to be able to spend more time with him and the little boys would love to have their uncle around. His grandparents also live in the area so that would be a plus for him too. Plus his girlfriend said she wouldn't visit him in the far off state because it was too cold. : ) She sounds like an awesome person and I can't wait to meet her!

Cute little fella!

Or so Cristian says anyway. I took a ton of pictures today since Logey was in a great mood. Towards the end he was ready for a nap but I think they came out pretty cute anyway. I am out of the sad mood I was in for quite a while and I'm trying to embrace our new life. It has definitely not been easy. Part of me was just so pissed for a while that my little guy has to go through so much. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes. And really, it's not. But, life isn't fair. And he's still the cutest baby on the block and so I have to be thankful that even though he goes through so much pain he still manages to keep a smile on his face. He is an inspiration to me. I forgot to add that little man was 8.3 kg this morning. That's only 1.7 to go! (18 lbs 4 oz.)

Sweet baby grins.

He has all 4 top teeth coming in.

The dirt on the table was VERY interesting. I love this picture though. To me it represents his ever inquisite self. I love to watch him see new things.

I think this is going to be the picture that I put on some cards for people at the church. For Logan's Baptism I printed out pictures for everyone and many people have told me that every time they look at his picture they say a prayer for him. So, obviously that's working well. I need to give them an updated picture and I think this is it.

A day outside

Our garden is really coming along and since the weather has been so nice we've actually wanted to work in it. I think our seedlings will go in the ground next Sunday. I'm not looking forward to summer when it will be more like a chore to be outside. But, maybe we can do it in the evening. It won't feel as if Vidal is getting home so late by then since when he gets out at 8 it is night time already.

Jaden tilling. That's his version of "cheese" these days.

Logey in his swing. Luckily he'll sit in there for quite a while as long as Cristian keeps pushing him.

All 3 Ninos playing at the sand table. Well, 2 of them are in the sand table.

What's this weird stuff on my hand mom?

His recent favorite napping spot. Notice the sheet draped to keep him from getting too much sun. No baby tans for us.

Garden pics

We've been making a garden so I'll try to keep the blog updated. It's turning out pretty well but our yard looks ghetto-y at the moment. Hopefully once we get some grass and Vidal mows it will look better. Here are the pics of our progress so far.

our strawberry plant

Two tomato plants and Jaden digging in the garden

the corner when we first started.

cleared outwith the start of our fence (we have to fence it so the doggies won't dig in the yard)--the fence is all put up now but I forgot to take pics of it today. Vidal is tilling it out and he started making rows.

Our garden

We finally started a garden. We've been meaning to start one for years but I decided this year I was just going to start on it and I knew Vidal would join in. Here's a pic of Logey while we were planting our seeds into their starter kit. Actually the pic is last night of him getting the toilet paper all around him. Nutty kid. I'll add more later. I need to download off my camera but it takes forever so I've just been putting it off.