After the storm.....: WOW.....

I did not realize until I was washing my hands this evening what today was. I have looked at the calendar many times today and the significance did not hit me. One year ago today Logan teetered on the brink of death. He fought death. Thanks to God and the wonderful NICU nurses and drs, namely Dr Ramsey and Dr Zia. And nurses Rose and Rosie for being thoughtful enough to have similar names when I hadn't slept in over 36 hours and had been through more turmoil in 16 hours than I had previously been through in my whole life. Everything was so surreal. From taking Logan in thinking that we were probably there for no reason to being told that he wasn't expected to live to flying to Corpus in a plane the size of a tonka truck. I remember the pilot asking if I had ever flown. In my daze I answered, "sure, in a real plane." I remember alternating between looking out the window and praying to looking behind me to Logan, waiting for something to happen, longing to hold him, and willing him not to die. It really would have been a beautiful sunrise had I not been in the plane with my dying son. But he didn't die. He was such a fighter. I remember the nurses trying desperately to get an IV in him and him fighting them with all his might. They knew what his labs said even though the labs made no sense to me at the time. They were so surprised that he had so much fight left in him. That should have been an indication to me that he was going to be okay. I remember holding him and singing to him while they tortured him and just wanting to grab him and run and say "nevermind!" I remember instead praying and singing to him. I remember excusing myself before I got on the plane to go to the restroom and spray enough milk out of my breasts to soften them just a bit thinking that I needed to save a milk supply for Logan. And then I remember thinking that I hoped he was able to nurse again. I remember seeing an old friend from nursing school there and saying hi and when he asked me how I was doing--telling him that it was my baby who was being flown out. He must have known how dire the situation was because he just looked down and said, sorry. I remember holding Logan and telling him he was going to be okay even though I was just hoping for it. I remember thinking that all of this was just a huge mistake because we had just been taking pictures at the mall earlier in the day. I remember after we got in Driscoll the nurses telling me that they would come and get me after he was stable and after shift change. I remember calling my friends to tell them what was going on, especially Ruth who I am grateful to for that fateful call. I remember calling Adrienne who had just left and telling her Logan wasn't doing so well. I remember when they led me to see Logan and they said I could go to him and being so upset with myself because all of the babies looked so much alike that I didn't know which was him and thinking that we may be losing him so little when I hadn't even really gotten a chance to know him. I remember looking at Dr Ramsey and her saying that our baby was "really sick." I could see in her eyes she didn't know if she could save him. I remember being so overwhelmed and disoriented with all the drs standing over my baby. I remember pumping for him and for the first time breaking down and crying. I remember being so happy when my mom, Vidal, and the boys finally joined me. It felt like a decade but was really only a few hours. I remember Logan's struggles and gains in the NICU. And I remember all of the wonderful nurses who took care of him and in a way took care of us too. I remember being told after 2 days that we could finally hold him again. I remember him taking his first ever bottle happily and being surprised that I wasn't sad but instead happy for him that he would finally have breast milk in his tummy again. I remember Ann who went to bat for me and asked the drs if Logan could nurse on an empty breast. I remember the boys seeing Logan for the first time after he got sick and them being so happy that he really was alive. I remember when he kept having seizures and look scared into my eyes. I remember Dr Freys doing his spinal tap and being so thankful that the phenobarbital had knocked him out so he wasn't in agony. I remember watching him gain weight in leaps and bounds right before my eyes.

I remember that this child is a special gift to our family and that I will always be grateful for the opportunity to know my child well enough that now I know I would recognize him from across a crowded room.

I thank Dr Ramsey for not feeling like Logan was too much of a challenge. I thank Ruth for listening to God and making the call that saved Logan's life. I thank the nurses and drs who took such wonderful care of Logan and who loved him and who made me feel okay about leaving my baby in their care. I thank Logan for bouncing back so quickly and for being such a fighter.

Today he took about 7 consecutive steps and he is such a miracle in my eyes. Logan, you have come a long way baby. Thank you for allowing me to come for the ride. Through all the struggles and low points, all the good times and beautiful smiles have been so worth it. I enjoy seeing your sense of humor shine through and seeing you become such a rough and tumble boy with your brothers.